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I have a glorious ham problem

Some call it a problem, others call it a gift

Once upon a time, while tasting wine out at Domaine Serene, I ordered a very expensive plate of ham. It was something like $28 for an ounce of the Jamon Iberico 5J Bellota ham. My friend Jonny Blaze once told me it was the best ham he'd ever eaten, and so I splurged. My life was forever changed.

The thing with Jamon Iberico is that it doesn't come in a package. Fuck that. If you see Jamon Iberico in a package, throw it out. Don't even bother. You're being tricked. Real Jamon Iberico comes in a leg. Unless the Jamon was packaged by a Spanish butcher and vacuum sealed before your very eyes, Jamon Iberico just isn't the type of glorious pig meat that you want to seal away in a plastic bag.

And the carving of the ham is pretty goddamn important. You've got to do it just so, or else your Jamon won't have that perfect blend of meat and fat. You want the ham thin. Just watch this video of this Spanish dude explaining how to carve the ham. Watch it!

And so after my first taste of Jamon Iberico, I resolved that I needed to have this experience at home. I needed to buy my own Jamon.

Unfortunately, Jamon Iberico is pretty expensive, and it has a bunch of different classifications, so you have to do a little work to find the ham to buy on Amazon. Essentially, the top-grade shit is called Cinco Jotas Bellota (you'll see it called 5J also). This means that the pig whose leg you're going to buy on Amazon had two Iberian parents and ate nothing but acorns for its whole life. That will run you a grand.

Or you can get this bad boy for $330. The half-breed. It's the Khloe Kardashian of Iberian Hams. You're not getting that 5J Kendall-cut, but this ham still fucks.

It comes in a handsome little bag, vacuum-sealed within, and it has a box for the stand and a couple of knives. Once it's all set up, you're ready to get down to carving.

And this where my problems began. It's really delicious. Like, if I walk into the same room as the ham, I see the ham, and then I start wanting the ham. So I walk over to it, uncover the cloth that is hiding it from the world, and shave off a little slice or five. And what is happening is that this ham, that I bought to share at my New Year's Eve party, is slowly becoming a former ham and a present ham bone.

I've also developed an unhealthy relationship with my ham. Here is me taking the ham on a drive over ot the inlaws.

And me and the ham enjoying the instagram wall.

But tonight is the night to put myself out of my addictive misery. I am going to carve and serve the entire ham this evening. And then I'm going to start shopping for my next ham.